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12 Things
Twelve things to do if your loved one has a mood disorder
- Don't regard this as a family disgrace or a
subject of shame. Mood disorders are biochemical
in nature, just like diabetes, and are just as
treatable.
- Don't nag, preach or lecture to the person.
Chances are he/she has already told him or
herself everything you can tell them. He/she will
take just so much and shut out the rest. You may
only increase their feeling of isolation or force
one to make promises that cannot possibly be
kept. (I promise I'll feel better tomorrow honey;
I'll do it then, okay?)
- Guard against the "holier-than-thou" or
martyr-like attitude. It is possible to create
this impression without saying a word. A person
suffering from a mood disorder has an emotional
sensitivity such that he/she judges other
people's attitudes toward him/her more by
actions, even small ones, than by spoken words.
- Don't use the "if you loved me" appeal.
Since persons with mood disorders are not in
control of their affliction, this approach only
increases guilt. It is like saying, "If you
loved me, you would not have diabetes."
- Avoid any threats unless you think it through
carefully and definitely intend to carry them
out. There may be times, of course, when a
specific action is necessary to protect children.
Idle threats only make the person feel you don't
mean what you say.
- If the person uses drug and/or alcohol, don't
take it away from them or try to hide it. Usually
this only pushes the person into a state of
desperation and/or depression. In the end he/she
will simply find new ways of getting more drugs
or alcohol if he/she wants them badly enough.
This is not the time or place for a power
struggle.
- On the other hand, if excessive use of drugs
and/or alcohol is really a problem, don't let the
person persuade you to use drugs or drink with
him/her on the grounds that it will make him/her
use less. It rarely does. Besides, when you
condone the use of drugs or alcohol, it ls likely
to cause the person to put off seeking necessary
help.
- The tendency is to think that love of home and
family is enough incentive to get well, and that
outside therapy should not be needed. Frequently
the motivation of regaining self respect is more
compelling for the person than resumption of
family responsibilities. You may feel left out
when the person turns to other people for mutual
support. You wouldn't be jealous of their doctor
of for treating them, would you?
- Don't expect an immediate 100 percent recovery.
In any illness, there is a period of
convalescence. There may be relapses and times of
tension and resentment.
- Don't try to protect the person from situations
which you believe they might find stressful or
depressing. One of the quickest ways to push
someone with a mood disorder away from you is to
make them feel like you want them to be dependent
on you. Each person must learn for themselves
what works best for them, especially in social
situations. If, for example, you try to
"shush" people who ask questions about
the disorder, treatment, medications, etc., you
will most likely stir up old feelings of
resentment and inadequacy. Let the person decide
for THEMSELVES whether to answer questions, or to
gracefully say "I'd prefer to discuss
something else, and I really hope that doesn't
offend you".
- Don't do for the person that which he/she can do
for him/herself. You cannot take the medicine for
him/her; you cannot feel his/her feelings for
him/her, and you can't solve his/her problems for
him/her; so don't try. Don't remove problems
before the person can face them, solve them or
suffer the consequences.
- Do offer love, support, and understanding in the
recovery, regardless of the method chosen. For
example, some people choose to take meds; some
choose not to. Each has advantages and
disadvantages (more side-effect versus higher
instances of relapse, for example). Expressing
disapproval of the method chosen will only deepen
the person's feeling that anything they do will
be wrong.
Modified February 12, 2003
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