October 9, 2006



I'am an artist.Sculptress and architect.
I feel that i'am bipolar but i d'ontlike medicaments.I feel that my criativity suffer.I'd like to know anotuer way
Than's a lot

Posted by: Patrici Bowles at October 15, 2006 10:38 AM

I have been getting treatment for bipolar 2 disorder for 20 years with a couple of terrible relapses. Everyone thinks I am doing really well now, but on the inside I feel as if I am half of what I was and what I could be;I used to be able to get so much done, and I had such a great job. Now I work only part time and I am lucky if I do that job well. Does anyone else feel like this? I thought the meds would make me 'well' and functional again.

Posted by: Charlotte at November 26, 2006 4:01 AM

Hi there! I'm a 34-year-old Spanish woman suffering from bipolar disorder. I got a lof of help in internet. I was diagnosed in 1992 and I do realize that, despite my constantly being up and down, I know how to cope with our terrible illness. My boyfriend's a great support but in the past I could also take care of myself with the hands of my doctor, my psychologist and some self-help books. Never give up!

Posted by: Mayte at December 6, 2006 12:37 PM

From what I just read everyones playing BIPOLAR. This Illness has become the thing to have. Those people have no idea how bad it is. if I had to tell you what HELL was like Bipolar illness would be close with bipolar being worse. You can`t decribe it. As far as never give up (You Have No Idea) theres no hanging in there never give up. You just pray to God That you get to ahospital in time or the meds the Dr.up you on work fast. If not then the black hole comes and the thoughts of how to find peace and I think you know where that leads.

Posted by: Janice at December 15, 2006 4:54 PM

bipolar is not the end to the world, once you are diagnosed. you take the meds, get regular blood work done, deal with your shit and move on. don't milk it. i have been diagnosed for 5 years and have had hospital visits (or stays) eventually you work out what works for you and what doesn't.

bipolar is only a bad as you make out or want it to be.

take yourself serivously and get on with life.

Posted by: Ainslie at December 17, 2006 3:40 AM

On Nov. 6th 2006, my nephew, John Ashing, at just 44 years of age, committed suicide . We now know that he suffered from manic depression (bi-polar) but we had no idea before this. He had been noticeably ill for six months prior to his death but we think he was a sufferer for much longer than that. We miss him dreadfully - he was such a good looking, intellegent man with so much to give and everything to live for.

Posted by: Jan Karnovski at January 3, 2007 8:35 AM

So this could be a wordy tag.
Today I saw a doctor who told me that I have bipolar 2 disorder. At first it's a relief but sitting here at 1:25 in the morning and reading all that I am reading and thinking like I've been thinking, I realize that there is power in knowledge and if this is truly something that I have to work with for the rest of my life then so be it!
I am tired of defeating myself .I am weary of how I am going to pull off being ok with this...but I will. Perhaps I will leave myself little notes at first to remind myself that I have more to give, perhaps a way out is by reaching out.
What I hope is different this time is that I remember to care of me because that is more than ok to do. I hope that I can make a reality for myself that is achievable and practical. Remember to break it all down into basics and the answer will present itself. I appreciate that I was able to recognize that I was slipping and I am more than greatful that help is out there, and I won't beat myself up over the fact of not getting it sooner, I thank all the divine interventions that took place in my life that led me on the path that I am on today.
So blabber blabber blabber, the newbie like to blabber, oh well, what's a girl to do.
Health Happiness and Blessings to all.

Posted by: maggie at January 11, 2007 10:49 PM

Dear Jan Karnovski
I am wondering whether Mr John Ahing you wrote in your message is my friend or not.. He was 34 and used to live in Kent. I am his Japanese friend and have not been able to contact with him for a long time.. He is freerance graphic designer and his site has been closed..If he committed suicide, oh dear I can not believe it.. wel, please drop a message please..

Posted by: Kinuko at February 16, 2007 5:39 AM

Im 16 and Suffering From Bipolar N I Cycle Millions Of Times A Day, Ive Known Since I Was 2 And Have Been Trying To Deal With It As Best As I Can...At Te Moment Im Taking Meds But I Think They Are Wearing Off.I Dont See Things The Way Everyone Else Does, Im Not In School Im Homeschooled And I Have No Friends (Not One Really..AnyMore..) ...Anyone That Says That Its Not Hard To Live With..Its Is, No One Knows Wat It Feels Like Haveing Ur Mom Not Believeing In U And Thinking Ur Never Gunna Make It Or Never Gunna Graduate Or should never Have Children Cuz There going To Be Like Me...No No One Ever Wants To Be Like Me...No One Wants To Cry For No Reason Or Get Mad Over Something Stupid...But Its My Life... AndI Jus Want Someone There For Me..... SORRY FOR EVERYONE SUFFERING....

Posted by: RaRa at February 24, 2007 12:43 AM

Dear Jan Karnovski and Kinuko,

I am wondering the very same thing as Kinuko ... is this the graphic designer John Ashing? His age seems to fit the description perfectly - he was born in November 1961. I, however, was his 'Swedish friend' ... I was thinking of contacting him again and looked for his website, and saw it was taken down. I read your message Jan about a two weeks ago, and was deeply shocked ... and in fact, I still am. if this is the John Ashing we think, then he always seemed so cheerful and without a care in the world. A happy go lucky chap, but I could sometimes sense things lurking beneath that happy surface ...

Just goes to show how much we actually know about people we *think* we know, we were in touch on and off for about seven years ... in any case, I do feel for his family ... it must be so very hard ...

Best Wishes,

Posted by: Elizabeth at February 24, 2007 10:57 AM

Dear Elizabeth
Unfortunately, its our friend John Ashing.. I contacted with Ms Jan Karnovski one week ago and she let me know...I am still so shocked and very much sad. I do not think I should write her contact details as this is public site, but here is my email address ktaguc2003@yahoo.co.jp
if you want to contact me, please drop me a mail.
Kind regards

Posted by: Kinuko at February 25, 2007 7:34 PM

Why does it seem like John Ashing has been hiding everything from everyone. Sadened that it wasen't obvious just by how he was behaving in the end of 2005...

Posted by: who needs to know, knows at February 26, 2007 8:54 PM

Does anyone actually know the reason why John Ashing has been ill last 6 months of his life, or why hes chosen that particular way "to go"?

Posted by: who ever needs to know, knows at February 26, 2007 9:02 PM

If anyone who knew John Ashing in any way would like to contact me, please feel free. I am left with many 'blanks' and questions, although I realise perhaps only a fraction of them can be answered. I won't discuss this matter further online, with respect to the deceased, Jan Karnovski and not least, John's extended family, his mother and sister.


Kind Regards, Elizabeth

Posted by: Elizabeth at February 27, 2007 1:32 AM

Same here, I was John's 'German friend'... I met him while doing my work placement in London. He was such great company to be with! I wasn't able to contact him for quite a while and didn't have any explanation for that. I also realized that his website was taken down. Now that I know the reason behind that I'm deeply shocked. Kind regards, Karina

Posted by: Karina at March 2, 2007 6:08 AM

I'm John's Japanese feiend Eriko.With John,since it had not contacted,it was very much worried .
And it arrived at this site and got to know today.
It is very very shocking.
He was the touch which worries about the thing of
work.What was reaaly in him?I want to know in detail.Very really regrettable.

Posted by: Eriko at March 3, 2007 10:19 PM

John obviously had a lot of friends that we knew nothing about - he was such a dark horse. Here is my e-mail address if anyone wants to contact me about him. Thanks to you all for your messages.

Posted by: JAN KARNOVSKI at March 5, 2007 8:51 AM

Just came across this website. I found it interesting. It's nice to know you're not the only one suffering with this nightmare. I was finally diagnosed two years ago, I was afraid to go earlier as I was in denial, as I had 3 young children and was afraid of losing them by CAS. But now my children are in their 20's I'm not as afraid. I learnt to try and cover up but 2 years ago this grey cloud took over me which sent me to a pit of hopelessness and despair, everything on the outside was fine, but the inside was starting to die. I saw a mood disorder doc which put me on a pill for the depression which worked within a day, the cloud was leaving and the light was coming through. With the depression,none so far, but the rapid cycling is another thing. The meds I'm getting from that are making me gain weight. That's my problem at the moment. Now I'm not taking anything for rapid cycling. And boy am I cycling. Does anyone have any ideas?

Posted by: marie lafleur at March 6, 2007 9:18 AM

I had bipolar disorder since I was 19 , 48 now. I couldn't work or study. Life was pretty bad and things cycled every 6 months. Medications made me ill. Good news I got better, and this year will graduate with a BSc in chemistry and biochemistry never having got less than a distinction. I managed because I discovered that I couldn't metabolise protein. Changing to a vegan diet changed my life. I'm currently involved in isolating the relevant brain enzymes in a research lab. I haven't had a single medication for 18 months.

Posted by: Askew at March 23, 2007 10:07 PM

I have been suffering with bipolar for over 20 years. Being a professional, I was and still is faced with the stigma of mental illness. After years of living in shame, fear, and constant rapid-cycling, I have written a series of nine (9) mini-books on Bipolar Disorder. Also, we have organized others with bipolar to join us in launching our new informational web-site, bookstore, and clothing line called bipolarandnotashame. We also use the initials, BANA. Look for us, but most importantly, join us in educating the public about our struggles with bipolar.

Posted by: sharon at May 2, 2007 2:20 PM

I don't have bipolar but do suffer with depression since I had a breakdown in 2002. It's so hard to keep going sometimes. I didn't know John at all but from all the tributes he sounds like a wonderful man.

To everyone who suffers with any kind of depression, keep smiling and hang on in there. It's tough but I know we can all get through it.

Love Becky

Posted by: Becky at May 29, 2007 9:40 AM

I've been hopelessly depressed for as long as I can remember. I've been on so many different medications. I am so tired of comparing my life to others, especially celebrities. This site has helped me realize that even they feel depressed, although I don't see much reason why. They all seem to have life made. I'm tired of wishing for death and wish I could find someone to talk to, but I can't find or hold a job because of it, so I will never have insurance.

Posted by: Shannon at June 27, 2007 9:27 PM

I am 35 a mother and a wife. I was diagnosed bi-polar 3 years ago. I suffer from rapid cycling. the few people i have told, made me feel shameful as though I was using my illness as a cop out. I also was stripped of my normal range of emotions, it was always "she must be in a mood". we all have emotions mine are just unpredictable and more sufferable. i'm afraid of making mew friends as they might notice the differences in my charachter. i don't want to work for the reason of being undependable. I can never make plans ahead of time becouse i never know if the depression will show itself. my children are the most important, i fight thru the day for them. i am an angry, anxiety ridden,irritable person. i often look in the miror an think but i look normal, i know it doesn't work that way. but for that moment i see myself as a person. everyday is a struggle. all i want and pray for is to wake up and be a good mom. i want to read a bedtime story to my lil one without the high anxiety , general anxiety and the suicdal thoughts that rears it's head during my depression. keep me in your prayers

Posted by: danielle at July 18, 2007 5:45 PM


Posted by: MRS BASTON at August 6, 2007 6:22 PM

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Posted by: sharon ingram-blevins at August 18, 2007 5:49 PM

I have suffered with bipolar disorder for most of my life but was only diagnosed in 2003 in my fifties. I have found it very hard to maintain relationships with anyone. I have lost my family because of it and suffered the loss of many friends mainly due to my attitude towards them when i have experienced "episodes". It is not a nice illness to live with as it is likewise not very easy for other persons to live with anybody having the illness. I am on medication but to me it has very little effect. I have been subscribed many different drugs over the course of the past 4+ years. I am now about to lose another very nice person in my life due to the effects of the illness on her ...

Posted by: Peter at September 10, 2007 6:32 PM

I'm still not sure whether i'm bipolar as I'm still waiting for a high.2 yrs of down hill compared with a life if not thinking of mental health issues especially happening to me.I'm 37 now and the last 2 yrs on mirtazapine proably saved my life, especially the weight gain.I hid away and was under 8 stone when I was found hiding under a bed by a concerned neighbour.All because I was bullied in my work place.

Posted by: Andrew at October 7, 2007 3:24 PM

hello, i am so glad to have found this spot, I have been diagnoised bipolar 2 a year ago, my doctor gives me the only safe place to speak, even though friends of mine have children who are mentally ill and are on antidepressants, they do not accept me anymore, i never have the highs just the awful black lows, i am on lithium and 20 mg of celexa, it is hard to sleep lately hard to keep a schedule i have friends who say it is a weakness, they dont undersatnd nor wish to read the information i have given them, so i feel very lonley, the therapist i have is not a psychologist, and says i can get over it, it runs in my family on my mothers side, I feel so strange, and so alone, please write to me if you understand this awful disease, i am fortunate not to have the highs just the awful deep dark depressions i am now on 300mg of lithium 4 times a day, i am gaining weight and that is looked at and judged, i have written to those who called themselves friend and let them go from me i couldnt take the put downs, i am afraid to tell those who have been friends all my life i just cant take any more pain, now i feel as if i will never be good enough for anyone. if you would like to be my friend and you are bipolar 1, 2, or like me please e-mail me. thank you, annie

Posted by: annie at October 16, 2007 12:21 AM

thank-you everyone. i am so alone and scared. suicide is my most predominate thought. i'm trying to stay alive. i am bipolar ii, mixed, rapid cycling, i lost everything. i feel like nothing. selfishly, "its good to hear i'm not a lone". though i have been on meds since 1994, and, on disability. i am just now begginning to understand the hold this demon has on me. it hurts too bad.

Posted by: Carl Lewis Fisher Jr at October 28, 2007 1:21 PM

I really hate working at a hospital, everyone trying to make you a pet. You are incapable because those people cannot do anything and need to becared for. They cannot be capable of functioning better than their peers because what does that make their peers? When I saw Patch Adams, I knew that the best people see you and not your disease. I think about my own reactions in the past and in truth its in the family and always been incorrectly diagnosed, something I said to theman who treated my mother and me. What can I say I realised as a child that people do not really want to hear your problems, they just want an act. So give it to them they have problems too.This is a phsical problem with the brain, not enough of a chemical is produced, its not because I am weak.

Posted by: anna maria eversley at November 23, 2007 8:34 AM

I'm still, after all of these years, coming to terms with my diagnosis. I often seriously doubt it, in fact. I've never had a brain scan, for example. Still, I do hear voices ... I do struggle with severe depression when I am not taking my medication ... I do make VERY irresponsible, flighty decisions when I am not taking my medication ... I have a very difficult time focusing for very long on any one thing when I am not taking my medication ... but when I AM taking my medication ... I think it all sounds like bullshit.

Posted by: Scarlett at November 27, 2007 12:43 PM

I think I have just diagnosed myself with bipolar but I dont know which type because, until recently I thought depression was depression and that was it. Looking back I, after being dipressed I would go through stages of feeling happy and secure and think I had overcome my depresion because everything was 'going my way' and then when when I was alone, I'd burst into tears, over everything (life experiences) but nothing really...I also have an addictive personality which doesn't help and some sort of agoraphobia and also bulimia. I have lost so many friends because I am so fucked up and confused i have even cut myself and thought about suicide. Im just sick and tired of this, I feel like i have something to own up to everyone whos played a role in my life and explain. I already have a therapist but i am going to get myself diagnosed professionaly and get some medication as soon as possible and face my fears. i dont even know where it all began..

Posted by: Mulj at December 25, 2007 7:15 PM

I am 52, but felt different all my life...outcast.Self medicated,with drugs, alcohol, pharacuticals,a great many MD's, psychtypes, psych meds (th-me-the-worst-of-the-worst, BUT only because I wasn't properly diagnosed for about twenty years like most of you. Then I fought the meds because I did not want to be BIPOLAR. I have NEVER_EVER been Euphoric. I just can't sleep for days then weeks, then I lose my grip and crash and it's so bad that I'd probably hurt myself but I'm too tired and feel too terrible to make things worse. Here's a quick question all or you can answer.Is it true or false that only BIPOLAR people know better thanto say "Well, at least things can't get any worse" Please respond if your of a mind to I love to hear your answers. I have been getting help ever sinse I ran into a DR. that would not let me manipulate him in any way.
( was crushed, the king of "Always gets his way" not getting anything but about five days on our lovely local psych ward. Two years later and just last month they put me on a new med ( at a super low dose at that ), and I swear by God I feel almost like I never woke up that morning when I was about twelve and knew life was going nowhere, and that something was so very wrong with me I that I absolutely, really thought I would kill
myself when I got brave enough to actually do it. Not I'm 52 and feel like things
are getting much better, have not had a bad day since starting new mws, have no reason to think things won't
get better. I smile now, laugh, sleep, get hungry, feel like doing things and I'm never in a hurry unless I'm late for an important appointment. Everyone who nows me, even acquaintances have all said something anout
"what did you do start working out", you know the usual. What I can tell all of you if don't give up. With our luck you'll do something stupid just as they are walking to your room with a miracle drug in hand. I feel like ME for the first time in over35 years...no joke.

Posted by: David Coryell RN, ADN at February 6, 2008 4:32 AM

I'm 17 years old, almost 18 and have just been diagnosed with bipolar. It's horrible to look back and see I'm actually getting worse as I get older..less socially capable..it seems the further I delve into my troubled life, and the more I look into bipolar, the worse it feels. It was almost better before I knew..because then I had more hope. Sometimes I want to believe there is no such thing as mental illness but that's hard to believe when I'm sitting in my room staring into nothing for hours wishing someone would come and help me and can't help myself. I want to believe it's just enviromental factors because of my unstable family and my self harming sister..my dad that abandoned me and my emotionally numb mother. The more help I get , the more daunting it all becomes.I look for stability in older men but that doesn't last for long. I can't even put an optimistic facade up anymore..I'm losing my friends and there's nothing I can do.It's all a revolving door system and I just want consistency. I hope things will get good.

Posted by: sinead at February 11, 2008 10:53 AM

omigosh im so pumped i found this website.to hear all these personal stories makes me feel less alone in my struggles.i was diagnosed 10 yrs ago and i still have a hard time accepting and believing it.but i have the past to prove it.its tuff.but a good attitude and firm belief in god helps.i say too dont ever ever give up!!!!stay in the moment.focus.and always believe in yourself.we are capable.we can take care of ourselves.one foot in front of the other.i have ups and downs everyday.sometimes very extreme.who doesnt though?i sound so optimistic but tomorrow i will write more of my story.good luck and god bless sinead.

Posted by: nina at February 13, 2008 10:39 PM

well to begine..I am a person with depression/thoughts of killing myself(despite my love for my kids)...my whole is filled with depression.I feel I cant move on.I try hard to do for my Kids,my self, but I can not articualt how everything is affecting us/me..I am looking for ideas and help.I feel so bad because as a mom, I should look out for my kids, and not myself,however I cant seem to seperate myself from my resopabilty and my saddness.
Is anyone else like myself?
PLEASE let me know..I so alone......so sad......

Posted by: Barb at February 21, 2008 12:33 AM

Hi my name is tina i was just diagnosed bipolar after years of depression and all i spent two weeks in the hospital for trying to commit suicide,i alos at this point lost my sons to there father for this past year but i will get them back this summer after school ends i am now getting help i know the downs and the highs i have self mutilated my self to the point my face is scared,my body my legs my arms my stomach my back where ever i could reach,i am now on medication and thanking god for giving me my life back i am excersing now im living now i went through an attempted rape wich is what spiraled me into the manic deppression,two years ago i have lived that way,up until a month ago now im working on my life and hopeing to help others too.....

Posted by: tina at March 3, 2008 2:17 PM

Hello everyone ... I just stumbled upon this site and I can't believe how much it has helped me FINALLY understand my sister's bipolar disorder. Sadly, she died by suicide 13 years ago at age 26. Until tonight, I don't think I truly understood what she had dealt with for over 10 years.

All of your comments have given me a new perspective of this terrible illness. If you are interested, I am involved in a HUGE fundraising drive with CHADS Coalition for Mental Health. 100 percent of the money raised from its May 10th "Kids Walking For Kids" event goes to research of early-onset mood disorders at the renowned Washington University in St. Louis and for suicide prevention programs for adolescents and young adults. Please check out www.chadscoalition.org. My team is named "Julia's Gems" after my beautiful best friend and sister. "Kids Walking For Kids" will help the children and teens who are facing depression each and every day and those who will face it in the future.

We must find better answers to beat bipolar. Obviously, there is so much work to be done. Thank you for reading.

Posted by: Jan at April 10, 2008 9:32 PM

I have had bipolar for 27 years. I am a single woman now 43 years old. I always blamed this illness on my mother, but the reality was very different. After much research, I discovered that the genetic part of bipolar only accounts for 30% from one parent-I knew I was sick when I was traumatized by the death of my aunt at age 16. The manic phase came out first, because I turned to drugs and alcohol to medicate myself, and than came the hospitalizations and suicide attempts. I am happy to say that I am an educated, fun and charismatic person who has so much to offer in life. Do not let anyone label you as Bipolar. You are a person just like everyone else and look at it this way it is a nightmare, if that is what you want it to be, but the nightmare can be much worse right? Think about that and be grateful for who you are and what you have to offer this world!

Posted by: Maryanne at August 31, 2008 10:04 PM

Bipolar is so often misdiagnosed.

Posted by: Kristal L. Rosebrook at September 23, 2008 1:59 AM

to those of you who are about twice my age and you have only just been diagnosed, my heart goes out to you, dealing with it as a 16 year old teenager is hard enough, but when you don't have a clue why you've been depressed for the last decade or so is a completely different story. I've known about having bipolar disorder for the past 3-4 years, and i have to admit, it makes things harder. Although with the help of my homeopathic tablets(yes, some of you may not believe they work, but for some they work absolute wonders!) i'm becoming closer and closer to being just as similar to my friends as i can be. For those of you whose bodies don't cope well with medication i recommend homeopathic remedies. they aren't as harsh as the anti-depressants prescribed by doctors and psychiatrists.
And please
never ever tell some one you ARE bipolar, because you aren't, you have bipolar, its a disorder, you wouldnt say you are cancer would you? :)

Posted by: Charley J at September 27, 2008 5:34 AM


i was diagnosed 3 days ago and im still getting over the shock..... im 15 years old and was delighted to find out that i wasnt a pure b**ch and it was a chemical inside my brain that was making me flare up and get realy low. i am lucky though to have a good family to support me. i havent told any friends because i dont want them 2 think im crazy!!!
u might think u no someone realy well but they might start treating you differently. im on epilim and hope it will work. good luck to anyone suffering this illness and i hope ye can trust in family the way i do.
its good to talk about these things!!

love and best wishes

Posted by: jay at November 17, 2008 8:17 AM

I was given the label of manic depressive in 1970 @ 18, put on meds that cycled me in and out of the most horrible roller coaster ride imaginable, and when I woke up from an unreal drugged-out haze, I got myself to a nutritionist who finally had the courage to TEST me. He weaned me off all drugs and got me eating well. I'm perfect ever since.

Posted by: Wendy at November 19, 2008 11:31 PM

I don't believe I'm bipolar but I have been on lithium since 1993, my behavior is still the same, my life is only better in that I am in a subsidized housing unit, very nice, but I can't keep a job same as before, relationships bad - sleep 15 hrs out of day. No car, no life.

Posted by: Elayne at November 23, 2008 1:11 PM

i am 29 years old and was diagnosed as bipolar at 18(after the birth of my daughter). they actually called it post-partum psychosis. since i,ve been off the AWFUL meds they give i have been fine(over 5 years). how do i convince others that i am not bipolar? i suppose it doesn't matter anyway.

Posted by: nikki at July 24, 2009 12:33 PM

im great now after surviving bipolar dis order.

Posted by: harold at January 27, 2010 4:37 AM

i would love to write a book about my life with bipolar disorder, but i need some help in this because my english is not very well. Please if any person is interested, call me.

Posted by: Renée Baaklini at March 19, 2010 9:44 AM

Finally got help for BPD after 30 years of divorce, addiction, hatred, suicidal ideation. Lithium and Syraquil help. Can finally sleep. Have a morbid warmth that great people have it and overcome it. I've been a writer all my life, always dark stuff. Good therapy. Weird that many friends think I'm lucky that I'm on SSA Disability. They don't get it. No one does unless you have it.

Posted by: terry dufour at July 1, 2010 8:58 AM

My family doesn't realize how many times I have told them goodbye for the last time. It has been so many nights I fell into a sleep I prayed I did not wake from. I am always preparing for my death.

Posted by: Pamela Johnson at July 25, 2010 6:45 PM

For me having bipolar disorder is everything magnified around me. I notice many details and overthink and express myself.I catch myself talking too loudly.It's very hard to keep a low profile in public places. I do things that socially embarrass me, and then feel depressed and ashamed after the fact. I catch myself hugging to long! I clash with women that are bipolar, but not men.

Posted by: Lori at August 5, 2010 8:24 PM

The only time I feel totally in control is when I am working as a massage therapist...very little conversation and a lot of creativity.

Posted by: Lori at August 5, 2010 8:27 PM

Just been diagnosed at age 47. So many wasted years, sleepness nights, thinking I was completely bonkers, feeling so alone, days when I couldn't get out of bed, wishing I was dead. To the future...

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