Home: Humor: Behaving Badly: Attainable Affirmations

Attainable Affirmations

1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.
2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
4. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.
5. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
6. Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.
7. As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.
8. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
9. Joan of Arc heard voices, too.
10. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
11. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.
12. The first step is to say nice things about myself.

The second, to do nice things for myself.
The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
13. As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
14. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
15. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"
16. Who can I blame for my problems? Just give me a minute... I'll find someone.
17. I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
18. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

Modified December 2, 2002