The CHECK-IN thread

[Native Arizona]

Whooo hoooooo! I've reached ascended manic! Thanks J!

Ooops! I had to edit as I had originally typed ascended maniac instead of manic.

[Mr. J]

Congrats, NA.

I tried to write something but hated and questioned every word, so screw it. That sentence just pissed me off, good day.

[Mr. J]

Seems like I've been talking a lot lately, it's like every day is somehow significant. My constant thought seems to be producing more results than usual. Last night, I decided to send my brother packing after he pulled some shit. I e-mailed our mother a rant declaring this, figuring she could get his fool bum ass in line and off to Job Corps so I can resume my life and actually have a train of thought without constant disruption. I'm through yelling at him and I pretty much gave up on the hassle of talking to anybody a while back. She responded with a phone call to make sure I wasn't on the verge of killing him or something, saying that the e-mail sounded somewhat extreme. Whether or not he goes to Job Corps next week as I've been told, that's the deadline.

The disrpution of living with others has renewed my interest in my "unadulterated thought theory," which is already common knowledge for all I know. I'll post some blitherings in the "hobbies" section.

Anyways, I didn't go to work today. Not that I called in or anything, I just went back to sleep and blew it off. I've never done that before. I called 45 minutes before I was scheduled to get off and talked to store management. I'll probably be fine, but this comes after I showed up late every day last week which cost me $55 from my last check. I don't feel mixed anymore and maybe not depressed, but something is going on. Oh well.

[Native Arizona]

I feel better off the Seroquel but the Geodon is not keeping the mania in check (neither was the Seroquel but it helped me sleep). I have serious problems getting to sleep - even with the aid of sleeping pills. So, I'm just bouncing off the walls, which is probably a good thing since I'm preparing to see a lawyer.

I'll be happy to see my pdoc next week and see what he suggests...adding more Geodon, adding a real sleeping pill, or adding both.

[Muddler]

Ya, I've also been battling with sleeping properly - even with a sleeping pill. I'm not manic though. Anyway, last night I slept about 5 hours, which is great. Unfortunately the lack of sleep really screws with my energy levels.

NA, hope it goes well with the lawyer & hope your sleeping settles down. J, hope things settle down for you as well.

[Mr. J]

Revealing my lack of intellect, I downed a bottle of 60 Klonopin last night. I'm told it takes much more than that to OD. My brother cut me off from my wine, then my mother showed up, discovered the empty bottle and called me a dumb ass. They made me drink some blue Kool Aid shit. I was just craving intoxication and figured I'd use the pills to supplement my wine. Long story short, I didn't get high for shit. The same thing happened after I once tried to get high from Xanax.

Anyways, another night down the drain and it's time to go to work.

[Native Arizona]

Wow! That is a lot of Klonopin. How are that many pills supposed to enhance your wine. If I didn't get a rash from the stuff, 1 or 2 and I'd be in dream heaven.

The appointment with the lawyer went well. Even my husband was surprised how smooth it went. I had a good Tuesday and Wednesday as it gave time for my husband and I to reconnect. I needed that. Funny how getting tires rotated and balanced and eating fast food together brings you a little closer. He played a joke on my today telling me he was being tailgated by a sheriff and how he didn't know what to do. He drives a tow truck and the damn car was up on the bed. Duh!

I am still real manic but I've discovered if I take the sleeping pills at 7, I can be ready for bed by 9:30. Only a few more days and I see my pdoc again. Otherwise, I try to stay busy.

The best thing is that I've lost about 5 pounds already - enough that my husband even noticed. The bad news is that my nice boobs will be getting smaller as the weight goes. You win some, you lose some.

[Mr. J]

NA, weight loss is precious, boob shrinkage and all as your husband would no doubt concur. This is big, congrats on the weight loss, I'm happy for you. Few things are better than losing lard, I feel great since losing Risperdal weight and regaining the slender physique with which I was endowed, and I've got nobody to show it off to. Of course, knowing the fat is gone is more than enough reward for me. I do not like swimming or ever removing my undershirt. Once when I lost weight from mania, I dropped down to 130. Gaining weight used to be the struggle. I only wanted cigarettes, eating made me vomit. I've mentioned this before, but switching to Geodon gave me a mixed episode which was virtually debilitating so keep an eye on that. It was Hell, thank God for Vicodin. I was so high that it ranked in the same league as my legendary New Years 2006 bender, the first and only New Year that I ever celebrated or gave one damn about. Ah, the glory days. It'll happen again, my brain is wiser now but my liver is stronger than ever.

I've been cycling between mania and depression every day. Last night I was so manic that I was scared I'd attack people, even on 1500 Depakote. My Risperdal stash saved my ass and shit calmed down. No doubt for us all, depression causes slow hands and speech. I've had a lot of trouble keeping up at work. The depression often dies down by midshift, then my hands quicken back up, then depression hits again. During the past days or week, depression alternates with periods of hypomania, a welcome transition. During this time, my usual creative flow dominates my mind, constructing one-liners and parts of articles in my mind for future use. Then, depression comes back and destroys my work. Oh, well, I'll get some work done eventually.

Yesterday evening at work, I was apparently throwing around shopping carts, bashing them into walls. I was feeling angry and frustrated, probably at the depressive symptoms that were compounding my troubles at work. I retreated for a smoke break when the store manager approached me. He mentioned the carts and asked repeatedly if I was OK. You know, "I'm fine" becomes a conditioned response. He then asked if I was on any new medications. Last year I told store management that I was on meds when asked why my performance as a stocker might be lacking. I did not volunteer any more information or say that I was bipolar. In all actuality, everybody in there suspects I'm crazy. As if my behavior weren't enough, there's that damned stoneface and absence of social skills as I speak like a scholarly gentleman yet curse like a drunken sailor.

Benzos really sucked for me, I'm told this might be from my alcohol tolerance. At work this evening, I just kept taking caffeine pills for some reason until I went up to 3000 mg. I was trying to counter the effect of all the Klonopin. Big mistake, I became frantic and nearly berzerk, prompting me to leave work early.

Whatever, I should be going to some therapy called ETT tomorrow, I tell you all how it went and exactly what it's all about. I'm told that it's quite promising, although in my ignorance towards therapy, I am very concerned that it will "fuck with my head." Therapy could have lasting effects, unike meds where you can simply stop taking them. My brain and personality are fucked up, but that's what makes it work (shitty, but with some benefit) I'm freaked out by what might happen if my spark were lost. Really, only people who are fucked up rant like I do, this can't be normal. I've been going downhill so I need something to bring me back, so I do have something left to lose. I'll post more on this.

[Native Arizona]

Thanks for the suggestion about the Geodon. I have noticed I'm getting more mixed episodes than ever. I welcome the sadness and would love to see a full depressive cycle without the mania. It sounds strange but that is where my comfort zone is.

If I can get to 130 - I would be a happy lady, I'm at 150 now. 110 would be ideal though.

I'm not feeling any different than yesterday and can't wait until my pdoc appointment on Monday. I've already created a bullet list of points I need to make so I think I'm prepared.

Keep me posted on the therapy.

[Mr. J]

Ah, I've long loved bullets, it's something of a fixation. Beware of the mixed episode. My eyes burned, then my body stiffened up, then came the barrage of horrifying thoughts. I was a lurching corpse, nearly unable to work. Never before was I so thrilled to rip open a bottle of Zyprexa ... and gulp Vicodin, then swill a bottle of brandy filled with cotton filaments which I kept solely for cleaning my pipes.

Better keep some Seroquel on hand. He'res hoping your luck was better than mine, but given your troubles with mania, I think Geodon isn't the wonder drug for you.

Enough doom and substance abuse, here's hoping that your weight drops and you know the narrow assed joy that I enjoy daily. Trust me, mirror time is it's own reward.

[Muddler]

I continue to struggle with insomnia, in spite of the new sleeping pill. I've decided to just accept it as where I am now, knowing that it will improve in a few weeks. I'll live with the dysfunctionality it prescribes. Apart from that, I'm in a bit of a rut - still looking for a substantial job. Started exercising again & feeling better for it. Seems to help for the frustrated depression I langour under.

[Zooie]

Thought I'd post this here too. I got a kick out of it. But it means I still have to continue paying off my credit card debt. Bummer.

Seems as though the Myans believed that life is divided into natural cycles that last 5,126 years. The last one started Aug. 11, 3114 BC, according to their galactical calendar. It ends, guess when...December 21, 2012. It's not the END end, just an end to a cycle. Even the Myans see the next cycle as full of peace.

Oh well.

[Native Arizona]

My geodon was doubled and the pdoc didn't seem to have any problem with me taking OTC sleeping pills. I just have to remember to take then about 2 hours before I go to sleep. I'm exhausted today for forgetting to do that. Time is moving so slow.

[Zooie]

NA, I admit I'm watching your experience taking Geodon with great interest. I've read such awful stuff about it, but I want an alternative when I finally get sick and tired of Seroquel (still enjoy getting to sleep more) but hate, hate, hate the weight gain from the zyprexa and now the Seroquel. Please keep us posted ok?

I got great news today. I have been worrying myself sick waiting to hear if my disability continues. Well, I heard today in the mail that it does. I'm too old, too tired, and too sick to have to go back to full time, I was secretly planning to hire a lawyer to challenge a negative decision. They said: ...we find that the work you have been doing does not show that you can do substantial work.

That's a low blow, but I take it in stride, it's what I wanted to hear. So life will slow down and end easily now. (lemonade)

[Muddler]

I'm very happy for you Zooie. That's great news. I continue to look for a job, but I'm feeling better about it now - a case of Let Go & Let God. My sleeping over the past two nights has been fine, perhaps even excessive. Maybe it's the cold snap we've been having. My mood has been stable. NA - glad those OTC's work for you. J, hows the ETT going - what does it involve?