The CHECK-IN thread

[Zooie]

Please be patient with me. I know better than to have anything to do with my siblings. My sister has bit the dust too. She very quickly started her particular brand of devious manipulation talents on me so that's an adios see ya too. So sad. I liked her sober pleasantries and she seemed even a tad humble now. Can I get even more naive?

My brother I've decided is just a plain and simple arrogant asshole who doesn't give a damn about anybody needing a place to stay etc. 'nuf said, the man is dead to me. And the hand holding the knife in my back is loosening. Thank God I created a separate email address for them, I don't have to see their names anymore.

Hopefully soon the happy dancing-in-the-moonlight avatar will reappear. I'm getting chilly bending over in the rain, and starting to sneeze.

[Zooie]

I don't feel like dancing in the light of the moon yet, but the other one was just too depressing. I'm again stepping up to the plate, and carrying on with life.

But I learned something big this time and I'd like to share (and deep thanks to the special person who taught me this). I have realized that I don't know how to put things in perspective. I know this illness is about mood swings, but I need to do more when something goes bad. Instead of just falling apart in defeat, I need to learn how to look at the bigger picture and see if there's another way to approach the problem. Such as knowing right off that any time I communicate with my siblings, it's going to be tough, and to know I won't be able to change the way they are. That way I can prepare for anything they try to throw at me. Or just don't contact them in the first place!

And as much as I don't like to admit it, I get real close to self-pity and that feeling of just wanting to crawl into bed and cry. Well, that's one way of dealing with it, but I would be better off going to Wal-Mart and spending a measly $5 on something pretty. Then come home content, or at least feeling better, watch a fav show on TV or even call my neighbor and ask how HER day was, and stop dwelling on my angst.

Anyway, I'm going to try it. Hope you all have a good week.

[Spirit]

Hi Zooie, I'm not trying to be funny here but, why don't you make a copy of what you just said in your post today for the next time you get in a downer and then pull it out and read it. It makes a lot of sense to me and you sound better already. Good going girl.

[Zooie]

1) typing up good advice
2) making copies
3) taping it everywhere in house
4) putting up a special one to throw darts at

<sigh> this is tough. But trying new approach with the brake rotors/pads repair guy. Called him in my big-girl voice and told him my new brakes were squeaking and will take car in Wed after 2 hr client. Also told him I had looked up the parts online for my car and they seemed to be a tad less (sarcasm here, but not to where he could hear it) than what he charged. He again said to just come in. So I wrote down 5 quotes each (rotors and pads) for him to review.

What I want to do is reach way down into his...and pull his...into a vice grip and .... oops, back to perspective mode. This is harder than it seems. Buying something pretty...hmmmm, an uzi? Now, now.

Anyway, this day is done. Double meds tonight, again.

[Zooie]

Muddler, where are you? I've been watching for posts from you and now getting worried. Are you getting enough sleep? Have you been fishing or camping out in the beautiful south Africa landscape? I hope you are ok.

Have just about completed this latest project of using free WebCam to take pictures of everything old in this house to sell at least enough on eBay to pay taxes. It started out as fun but now I'm just tired. Did discover that this laptop can run on the battery and I can move it all over the basement with the webcam. How stupid I am. I've been hauling the smaller stuff up here to take a pix of it. duh

Some sad things have happened. Don't have a clue how to handle it and can't tell anybody. I guess that's where prayer comes in? Still considering also adding a T to the mix.

Changed my casino reservation from Aug. 15/16 to 29/30 because of the heat here, and also another coupon for then so have $95 free play money with the free room. Looking forward to getting away. Haven't since February.

Well, take care all!

[Muddler]

Hi Zooie - I've been away on a hunting trip. Been logging in, just not much to add. The sleeping has been pretty good over the last little while. Wierd thing - today I forgot to take my meds until late evening. I had an excellent day with lots of energy. I felt like my old self again. Makes me wonder what the meds are actually doing to me.

[Mr. J]

I'm feeling more stable and making some money. Yesterday I picked up $35 at the new plasma place, which is much closer to me than the others I used to frequent. Then, I sold maybe ten used DVDs I came across a while back, but they were unwatchable, retarded-ass bullshit so I just got $3. Today I'll be taste testing some new salad dressing or whatever, tomorrow I'll get another $40 off of plasma. This place pays new donors pretty well. The rent may me late, but I've got it covered. Things are going my way.

I had off last night, slept through it, now I'm going to eat all I can fit (now that I've cleaned my hellhole kitchen). I've been neglecting to eat and my weight is going below the usual 140, but nothing omelets and protien powder can't fix.

[Zooie]

J, you sound good. The advice you received about how to handle things must've been a doozy (statement u made under Bad Day)...care to share? Just hope your plasma isn't 180 proof. ha! That's great you can pick up extra cash. I used to give blood until they got more refined in detecting hepatitis B. Don't even remember having it, but they said I had the antibodies in my blood for it. Oh well. Anyway, glad you'll get to pay rent.

Muddler, thanks for posting a bit. That med phenomena has happened to me before too. I think it's 1) the bad side effects getting a chance to wear off, 2) only what you really need that day left in your system as it wears off. IMHO. Who knows why these things happen? But I know from experience that add another day or so off them and all hell breaks loose (i.e., the idiot pdoc who wanted to "clean me out" and took me off my meds...could have killed her later). Also, just realized you used the word "hunting". ???

Having nightmares again, and also trouble with a client. Oops, should post under Bad Day...anyway, it's a day off out of the heat. Counting the days until trip to casino.

[Zooie]

Well, sent email to work Sunday about stupid client I've put up with for two years, telling me I was going to hell (for being MI) and requesting to stop the insanity with a new client. No word back, hope I haven't pushed the limit and lost my job. Move over J. Standing in line behind you to give plasma.

[Zooie]

Well, got email from work. I can work a 12 hour shift that pays more and lose my satan-obsessed client. So would be down to only 2-3 clients only 2-3 days a week and ALL here in my little town. Hell yes. Will hopefully hear something for sure Monday.

Missed the Cash 3 drawing tonight but heard him say "...7, way to go!". Hmmmm. So kept calling the lottery line and heard the numbers....777. I screamed. My little .50c ticket paid $250. Now have money towards TAXES. Supposed to be in the upper 80s soon. Patience, perseverence.


Up rose the wild old winter-king, and shook his beard of snow; "I hear the first young hard-bell ring, 'tis time for me to go! Northward o'er the icy rocks, northward o'er the sea, my daughter comes with sunny locks: This land's too warm for me!"
Charles Godfrey Leland

[Zooie]

Lost the 2 hour client on Wednesday (they needed more "professional" care that we don't do), but have a 12 hour 8pm-8am client on Wednesday and my usual Sunday client. Altogether, it will pay only $20 less than what I make now. AND I can fill in if needed on other nights. Yayyy! And this week will be the LAST time I see the awful people who think I'm going to hell for being MI. Yayyyy!

Also, where the hell is everybody? I miss you people. PLEASE post, ok?

[Spirit]

Hey, I feel the same way as Zooie, where is everybody and what's happening in your lives. I miss you all and wonder how you are all doing. Please post. Lois

[Muddler]

Well, it's been a funny two weeks. I've done something that I do not recommend, but I did it anyway. I've cut out all meds barring Seroquel & Etomine, both of which I use for sleeping. I felt so good after a med-free day, I said to my wife I want to try it & see what happens. The first week went well - people noticed the difference. I had more energy & was generally more vibrant. This past week I've battled to sleep & have found the sleeping meds are over-sedating me really badly. So, it's been a bit of a catch-22. Tonight I plan to cut out the Etomine & just tough through the sleeping. My theory is that the Etomine (a really strong sleeping pill) has been potentiated my coming off the other meds. If this doesn't work, I'll start back on some of the meds again. My plan is/was to take meds only as I need them - i.e. if I get depressed or manic. Has it worked? Well, it did the first week. This week has been a disaster - I certainly can't continue like this, with the poor sleeping/ over-sedation.

As I've said, I do not recommend this. It has been rather irresponsible. Hate to think what my pdoc would say!

[Zooie]

Oh dear, Muddler, this doesn't sound good. I'm worried about you.

One time at a bipolar support group we had a doc guest speaker. He explained that if we only take (this may be only for the antidepressants, I don't remember) a med when we need it, we are tricking our brain.

When we take it, our brain utilizes it, but when we stop it, the brain thinks we don't need it. Thus, our brain develops a "memory" about that med and doesn't respond well when we start it again and it takes more to work the next time we get on it, and eventually it won't work at all. Does this make sense? It's why I don't skip doses. Maybe just take less so your brain won't "forget" that med? I don't know. [See pdoc for instructions.]

Anyway, am SO glad you posted. Hang in there.

[Muddler]

Lasr night I cut the Etomine out completely. As usual, I didn't sleep particularly well. But I did wake up with a clear head & vastly increased energy - in fact, I'm feeling particularly well. I've also decided to add back a single dose of mood stabilizer. I'm not contesting that I'm BP, I'm just trying to find a way to improve my quality of life. It has been risky messing with the meds, but they're always there when needed. So there's no need to worry, Zooie - I'm doing fine. Promise.