Its been a while...

[Spacer One]

Holy cow...where to start?...

For those who dont remember me at all (Most of you, its been a long time) I am Brad. I am 33, type 2 alcoholic, grew up in an Irish Catholic household, with an alcoholic Vietnam veteran father. I have never officially diagnosed "bi polar" but diagnosed both "Reactive Depressed" and "Manic Depressive" (For the record, I always felt like the latter (MD) sounded like a guy who ruined a party)...So...I already know that some dont think Im legit until a Dr says so...ok...it is what it is...

I have 3 kids, have been married twice now (both crashed in flames). I currently live in California's glorious East Bay area (Oakland as if its not bad enough), while all 3 of my boys live in either Florida (where I grew up) or Georgia. So as it seems, my exes would prefer to be literally a country's width away from me...

I grew up in State custody, joined a gang, went to jail, all that typical violent inner city stuff...Im over that now, no worries

I got out of prison, was a plumber for 4.5 years and then got slapped with the second daily issue in my life. Heart surgery...simple infections can lead to MAJOR issues, have them checked...anyway, 18 moths and 2 open hearts later (I still cringe at the words "Bone saw" or "Rib Spreader") I got out, to my wife of 10 years (who had sat next to me almost every day in the hospital) cheating on me with a Marine from Guam (I swear this is NOT a joke)...so, since I was now unemployed, she got Zeric (My oldest)...I move to California...end of that life...she wont even answer my phone calls...I get occasional messages on myspace from her...

I lived homeless in Berkeley CA for 5-6 years, until I got back into school, met Corey and had 2 more kids (during which I dropped out of school to watch the kids while she went...she graduated and left me with both kids)...She left, I stayed...Now, Im getting to now

Its been since February...I have been trying to make it on my own. This is not an easy thing.

I moved into an apartment with my school loan (I went back when Corey left...I am an aspiring 3D graphic designer) under the premise that they(room mates) would pay me the deposits they owed me...I knew these kids for years, and trusted them. As you can probably imagine, they decided (with no notice) to move out on the first of May. I never got any more than current rent, so Im out $1800. Yadda Yadda...the point is, Im not trying to live in this house by myself, when its meant to have 3 people in it...there is an upstairs I dont even use. I cant find anyone I can "get along with" or rather who can get along with me. Ive started falling into a fairly deep depression, and am drinking heavily. in fact, Ive logically made the decision that I need to drink (If I dont I feel like Im gonna die...I know, I know thats withdrawl)...

I also KNOW I need rehab...Ive tried and cant get in for months...with my lack of follow through, I cant make appointments that arent "tomorrow"...which is why I dont go to either my heart doc or psyche doc (Did I mention that I hate the whole medical industry?? I wont take perscription meds or visit doctors unless I HAVE to)...

I dont even know what Im trying to ask for...Im just looking for help...Im a frgiggin wreck (what is the policy on profanity? that statement really needs the F word)...

Spacer One...Brad

[Blanche]

Hi Spacer, I've been gone for a while, too. I remember you but never knew your whole story. I don't know the policy on swearing, either, but that is friggin' tough row you've had to hoe for the yeraars.

I was in rehab this spring, and the psych ward, and theyre not fun, but if it 's where you need to be, it's where you need to be. AA is changing my life. I wish I had gone earlier, but I didn't realize that it wasn't drinking that was my problem, but the underlying emotions, resentments, and self-pity that I'd been holding onto, that led to the drinking.

If you can't get it together right now to get to rehab, or a pdoc, maybe an AA meeting might kick start things for you and reboot your program to help your get motivated. It's saving my life and giving me hope for change.

[Muddler]

Hey Brad, tough & unfun place you're in. I know that you seem to be a real survivor, but you're not in prime real estate. You know the booze isn't helping but you can't do without it. Just how bad is it? are you working? At school? you you drink in the morning to ward off the DTs? This kind of determines how urgently you need rehab. The depression is part of the booze thing/ part of the BP thing, almost surely. Are you thinking suicide?

The policy on swearing is that we do it. Can you imagine a bunch of BP's not expressing themselves? I guess some people take offense. But this is the real world. Too bad.

Glad you're back. Hope we can help.

[Spacer One]

How bad is it...?...well to me I think its as bad as it can get...

I drink in the morning to wake up, I drink at night to go to sleep (pass out is a better word)...I have neglected to pay rent because I "Only spend $20 or $40, and I can make it up later"...Im not working technically, but I do random jobs for my landlord. I dont drink AT school, but I do drink between classes. On off days (No school days) I will sit at my computer, watching nonsense and drink as many as 11 40oz beers...I live on ramen, because its cheap, and the less I spend on food, the more I have for beer...

infact, Im gonna have to stop writing for a bit due to not drinking yet this morning, and my hands shaking like Im in alaska

Suicide is on the table, but Im not actively suicidal. Its more of a "I just wish I would die"...Im tired of living like this and I dont see an end...AA is no good for me because I am very manipulative and would prolly just fake my way through. I need inpatient rehab where I can get away from a temptation I cant control anymore..

more later...

[Spacer One]

This is Brads girl friend, I met him less than a month after his last posting. I believe that his life did get better after this- in the things he said and what our life was like. But I wanted to let anyone here who knew him and would like to know- Brad passed away on Sept 11th of this year due to heart failure. Brad always had issues with being Bi-polar but his life did get better and he was happy before he died. I would like to thank you all for your support and being here for him.

[Zooie]

I'm sorta new here so never met Brad. But I'm so sorry to read he has passed away. It sounds like you made a big difference in his life and that he found a sense of happiness. I'll say a prayer, thank you for letting us know.

[Muddler]

How sad to hear that Brad passed, but good to know life did improve for him.

I often wonder, when people suddenly stop posting, if they're still alive. Life is not a given with BP.