Life Goes On...

[Spirit]

Hi Zooie, Well, I certainly enjoyed my daughter's visit with my grandsons last Friday. We played games on Friday and then went up the mountain to Idyllwild on Sat for some hiking, a visit to the Candy Cupboard and then lunch at the Red Kettle. .... Have had a usual sort of week with Curves, Red Hats, Alpha, etc. but am feeling blue with some anxiety off and on. This has been coming on for a long time and I have (as I said elsewhere) nothing I can really put my finger on to explaine it for sure except maybe some bordom and old age. I was at the market earlier today and ran into one of my Curves buddies who's gonna' be 90 soon. She said she's tired of living, deciding what to eat, what to do, etc. She's not a "down" or depressed person at least on the outside but was just expressing how she feels and I understand. ...Anyway, I'd appreciate a little prayer....I'm happy that you are a busy bee getting so much accomplished and stuff. Tell me more about that group that you are going to. Is it DBSA by any chance? So long for now.

[Zooie]

Hi Spirit,
Oh, I was so glad to see your name here. I've been sorta worried about you. I'm glad the visit went ok with your family. Dear, if you can hike, you are NOT aging physically, and you are young at heart too so please realize what great accomplishments these are.

But didn't you say the doc upped your thyroid medicine? That can be a big factor in mood. I remember when my sister was born, mom had a goiter and admitted later she was suicidal until they took it out. At 8 years of age I had to take care of my baby sister because mom was so sick. So maybe they need to check that some more. Just a thought. (When I worked at the psych ward, they would draw blood to check the thyroid first to rule that out as a cause of deep depression.)

The group. Well, I don't really know what it's called. This time it was very depressing. Everybody seemed to be facing some really big obstacles (one young lady had had a lobotomy and just sat there and cried and said how useless she felt, one was going to school, had lost her job, and was the sole caregiver for her grandparents with dementia and cancer--and the grandmother totally refuses to let anyone else help them; and another jumped everytime the a/c came on and also cried and talked about how scared she was to leave her house; and an older man said he hated everybody, he had stopped his medicine and the voices were back). Wow. I kept my happy little self quiet, but did stear the topic around to the courage of acceptance (the Serenity Prayer). (Life is life. It sucks bad if you let it, or you can pray for answers and help. At least, that's how I don't give up. If I ever lost the effort to get up, I would give up, and that's just not an option now. I didn't say all that, that's just how I get through each day.)

Anyway, now I don't really look forward to the next one. But I asked God to please reach out to these people and see them through their adversities. And I say the same to you dear Lois. Do you listen to music? Or read inspirational sayings on the internet? And maybe that Q10 that Muddler takes will have you dancing! I wish you well.

I put in to add 2-3 hours more to my schedule if it's close by. I worked 24 hrs. a week for 2 years until my client died in 2008 and only work 19 now but feel like trying again to work more. OH. I paid my neighbors tonight to get my bed when it comes in. I can't wait Lois! My knees, back and hips have just about had it. But maybe next week!

Well, please know my thoughts and prayers are with you penpal. And one comment on "aging". I never would have learned the things I've learned if it weren't for "time", and getting older and hopefully a little wiser. I cherish these years, will say my goodbyes when it is time, but until then, I will still dance in the moonlight. Take care Lois. Talk to you again soon.

Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better to take things as they come along with patience and equanimity. - Carl Jung

[Spirit]

Hi Zooie, good to hear from you. I did have surgery to remove two very small growths (benign) and then continued med for hypothyroid. I think the med is causing me hair loss but my doc says no. For sure it's not hereditary as they all have great heads of hair in my family. Anyway the hair loss has been making me sad. Anyway, I took some of that co-Q10 for a couple of days and have been feeling better. I read the lable and it seems to be full of healthy stuff. About the group, I went for several months and found that the same people were voicing the same complaints. I tried to be encouraging but did find it to be depressing after awhile. The people you described really have their "hands full" as my mom would say! Saw a fun movie yesterday with Pam called Killers. One of the stars Catherine Heidl is in the cast of one of my favorite TV shows Grey's Anatomy. Too bad you don't like movies. I'm thinking that by Wed night you would have slept in your new bed at least one night. What are you going to do to celebrate? Champagne? Have a very happy week kiddo.

[Zooie]

Hi Spirit,
I haven't posted to you 'cause it would put my name on the board 11 times again. <sigh> Guess I'm just a chatty gal. Oh well.

I'm glad you like movies, they're great outings. I used to go some but just don't like sitting in the dark with strangers (think I already told you that). But glad you caught a good one with stars you like.

That's so great about the Co Q-10 making you and Muddler feel more energetic. I'd sure like to try it but my bed came first. Oh, it's so soft! But a bit of firmness to it. My neighbor (and her husband who moved it in) told me what the top is called (but I forgot). It's cushiony with a poofy look, but not a pillow-top. My old sheets fit it so that was good. I'm slowly losing the aches and pains. It's mostly in my lower back now, and my right knee. But hips and left knee stopped hurting! It's so nice not to have to grab something to help me get to a standing position when I get up in the morning. Wow.

I know what you mean about groups. Those people were so...I don't know what. I miss my bipolar group, it was fun! But I have to attend these as part of my treatment. At least they're free. I'll just suck it up.

Oh, just a note, I never got a bill from that idiot pdoc in Atlanta after I wrote him a detailed letter about the AWFUL care I received. And after the letters to the hospital? Same thing, no more bills. Hmmm. Then the other (regular) doc I saw only once there, they only sent one bill (I had set up payments with them) so I called and they don't show any balance at all (his was the bill that went towards the Medicare deductible of $135 so had to pay him his entire bill.) But like we talked about, I don't have any expectations. Will just have to wait and see.

I posted (hopefully) my last dark poem (written before going on Celexa). Oh what a blessing that med is. Have you looked up side effects of your meds for hair loss Lois? Depakote caused mine to do that. Just a thought.

Well, penpal, will stop for now. Take care, say hi to Ken, and talk to you soon.

Growing old is required, growing up is optional! - Internet

[Spirit]

Hey Zooie, good to hear from you. I don't think it matters how many times a person posts but I understand how you feel. I think there still are people "out there" reading the board but not posting for whatever reason.....Girl you must be very adept at writing letters to not get any more bills from the doc in Atlanta and the hospital. You should bottle it!....I did look up the side effects for Mellaril and Topamax and found nothing for hair loss. ....We had a great day yesterday. Were with some of the people from our senior group at church. We drove up to Big Bear Lake (a 2 hour drive up into the pines) and went on a paddle boat drive (after lunch of course in a German resturant - I had goulash if you know what that it). It was a lovely sunny and not too hot a day (72 degrees with a slight breeze) and very restful. We saw fish jumping out of the water, some gourgeous million dollar "cabins" lining the shore and heard MelBlank"s son come out of his cabin and shout at us "th th th that's all folks". Afterwords we met up at friends house for sandwiches and dominos. Got home at midnight. I was very stoked up by then and had to take a lorazapam to calm down and get to sleep.....With the weather getting so hot around here, I have decided to back off from the feeding of the homeless in the park for the time being. There are plenty of volunteers so I don't think I'll be missed. One thing I plan to do is go back to the DBSA group one of these days and tell them about the CO Q-10. With your Celexa, I don't know if you need it but go ahead and try it if you want. I paid $24 for two bottles of 100 mg of softgels at Walmart. ...Again, I'm so happy that you're sleeping on a new comfortable. I'm getting new foam for the pillow of a the glider that I sit in to watch TV. Right now I sink down to the springs. That didn't feel too good when my "roids" were acting up....Well another week if about to come upon us pretty soon. Hope you get that 3 more hours real soon.....

[Zooie]

Hi Spirit,
*Finally* more people have posted. Guess I over did it.

I could picture your outing to Big Bear Lake, sounded wonderful. (Who is Mel Blank?) I know what you mean about the weather. It's actually 3:30 a.m. here right now! It's so hot in here I can't sleep, even tho I'm sleepy, have been trying to go without the a/c at night but can't take it anymore and it's only June! Our temps are in the mid-90's now with heat index up towards 100 or more. My utilitiy bill actually was ok. I think it really helped to turn off the freezer and unplug what I'm not using. I don't blame you for stopping the homeless Fridays while it's hot, and it sounds like you have enough volunteers.

For the past two days my "project" was finding free forms online to do my neighbor's Financial Power of Attorney and the Advanced Directive for Health Care (which, after hours of reading, I found has replaced the separate forms Living Will and Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care). This is for Georgia. Tennessee has a short combined all-in-one my neighbor gave me of her mom's to possibly go by. But it took me forever to find free ones without filling one out, getting to the end, and when I thought I'd get to hit "print", it told me how much it would cost. Geesh. So I went to the top...Georgia state government. Voila! There they were.

Then I decided to do my will and same problem. None are free, not even at gov't sites, or even AARP. So dug up one around here and used it to go by. Will take it to a lawyer to see if it's ok (for free) then will get it witnessed. So basically I felt like I was at my "old" job as a typesetter! Was fun tho. I got tired of going through clothes for now.

Is the co q-10 still working well? I sure hope so. I can't buy any yet 'cause finally getting a hair cut and perm this Sat. afternoon. Sat. morning have to drive 55 miles to the Training Center for CPR class...I really dread it, supposed to be super hot. But we get paid for it so that's my extra hours for the next paycheck.

Still haven't got bills from the hospital or that awful pdoc, or even the regular doc I saw there for 5 minutes! I called that one and they told me there's no balance (the bill was $129). This is wierd Lois.

Well, gonna try to sleep. May turn the darn a/c on. I've been getting irritable 'cause of the heat. I was rude to NA in a post and apologized but she was ok with it. I didn't mean to be, it just happened. But when my hair is sticking to the back of my neck, and I'm drenched with sweat just running local errands, I'm a real bitch!

P.S. Just realized...I'm a bit manic. lolol

Take care penpal. Talk to you soon. Stay well.

[Spirit]

Hi Zooie, good to hear from you. Mel Blanc did the voices for all the Disney characters like "th th the that's all folks" for one of his lines. His son did a good imitaion......too bad it's so hot there already. It's gotten into the mid 90's here this week but we run the AC from around 2 till 7 on days like that. Haven't gotten the really big bill yet. Ken put up a fan in our computer room the other day and it's more comfortable in here now.....Wow, all that legal work you're doing for free. I know your neighbors appreciate it. Keeps you out of trouble, huh? You sure have been keeping busy lately. Good for you...THCpQ-10 is still doing it's job. I went to DBSA today mostly to tell them about it. I found out from one of the guys that if you're on a statin drug for cholesteral, you're supposed to take it. Now, I haven't mentioned this but have had a problem with extreme anxiety when the depression hit as well. I called to get an appointment with my psychdoc and she's out of town and I can't see her till Aug 4th. I happen to have some Ativan handy and the psych nurse recommended I use that, .5 mg. twice daily. The funny thing is, that when I take it on lets say Tues, it does a pretty good job of masking the intense anxiety I'm feeling and then Wed., I'm calm. Then Thurs. I wake up and the anxiety is intense again. I just can't figure it out. I don't know what started it in the first place for sure. I'm thinking that maybe it has to do with my getting older and worry about things having to do with that. I have prayed a lot about it, and have done some psyche talk with myself because really Zooie, things around here are going quite well. I have nothing to be anxious about in my life at present. Oh well, this too shall pass, as they say....I'm glad you're busy and you sound happy and that's great. Have a nice weekend.

[Zooie]

Hi Lois,
Wasn't going to post yet, but wanted to ask you something about how you take your ativan. Do you take it twice every day or every other day? Medications have something called a "half-life" (you probably already know this) which means half the time it takes for the medication to get out of your system. If you stop a pill, before the half life is reached, it will still be active until it's entirely out of your system. But if you only take it sporadically, allowing the half-life (that's a stupid name for it, I prefer the entire time but hey, what do I know?) to expire, you lose the effect of the drug.

Don't know the half-life of Ativan, but it may be leaving your system before you take another, thus the off and on anxiety. The trick is to take it enough for it to stay active, but not knock you out by taking it too close together.

Anyway, was concerned. I'll share a secret too, I have extreme anxiety all the time (tensed up and "hyper feeling"--not mania; what they used to call nerves), that's why I take valium, every day. I got off it after Celexa was doing so well, and got so nervous I had to get back on it. (Been on it since 1970-71), so please try not to worry Lois, IMHO, it may be a part of this mixed bag of symptoms. And just a thought, has your pdoc evaluated your mellaril and topamax lately? As I now know, no drug last forever. Please post your thoughts. Se ya gal.

[Spirit]

Hi Zooie, this is how it works. Thursday, I took two .5 mg of Ativan. I felt pretty good but they tempered down the anxiety and didn't take it all away. Friday, I felt calm pretty much without taking any. This morning, Sat. I woke up feeling fine. Then around ll o'clock the anxiety started in pretty strong. I finally gave in and took a pill ten minutes ago when I got home from a tea at church, (3:30). I'm on a waiting list for a cancellation and am hoping to get in to see a psychdoc real soon. I want to get on something that I can just take every day. (Remember, the doc who gave me the prescription told me not to get hooked on them) (Also, I think that the ativan is constipating). Hope what I said clears up any questions you have. It seems weird that I feel better the day after I take the pills then the day I take them. Living with intense anxiety is no fun. I feel it sometimes in my feet more then the rest of my body. Then, I may feel it in my head whereby my head seems to tighten up. I somehow think that the anxiety is what's causing the hair loss. I think that I have had mild anxiety all along and just ignored it. I know that there are times when it would get intense when I was in social situations like lunch with Red Hats at times. That's the thing, it would be just at times, not regularly....So that's my story for now. I'ts too bad that we have to deal with these things along with all the "normal" stuff that life brings, huh? Hope you're having a good day.

[Zooie]

Hi Spirit,
I'm so glad you posted. I did a little reading and the half-life is 12 to 15 hours. That means it will be in your system about 24 hrs. I don't know if I got that right or not. Luna, hon, where are you? We need you!

But it also cautions (as with all benzodiazepines, which I'm sick of hearing) that it is addictive and is only to be given for the short term for anxiety. I've had to really fight to keep my valium, and I still, after all these many decades, only take the same dose, 5mg. But with some people, to get the same effect, they take a higher and higher dose, and get addicted. That's why the docs don't like to prescribe it. But I think we can be the judge of what we need, and I refuse to live with extreme anxiety. BPD is bad enough.

Actually, (going thu MORE stuff) I found an informative article on anxiety, which I'll copy and mail to you if you'd like.

Well, I'm very tired. The drive back from the CPR class today was soooo hot. But getting my perm turned me into a marshmallow. I mellowed out so much I almost went to sleep in the chair! So now am exhausted, but have two more days to work! (extra on Monday).

Oh, one funny thing...my bed is so soft Lois, it's like sleeping on a cloud. But Friday morning when I reached over to turn off my alarm, I guess I was too close to the edge and I just slid off into the floor! lol I just sat there and laughed.

Take care penpal. Keep me posted.

Don't be anxious about tomorrow. God will take care of your tomorrow too. Live one day at a time. -- Matthew 6:34

[Spirit]

Dear Zooie, thanx for posting even though you were so tired (and hot).. I decided to do what the psych nurse said and take .5 mg twice per day on a regular basis until my appt on Aug 4 (or sooner with a cancellation with a different psychdoc) and to quit messing around. The in -between days with the anxiety is just wearing me down and I'm sick and tired of fighting it. The nurse said the amount is so very small there shouldn't be a problem and so I'm gonna' believe her on that. I don't blame you for keeping on valium. I didn't know that was addictive. Actually, I'm not sure what addictive means. I bet you could explaine that to me. I take topamax and need it and wouldn't do well without it, right? Does sthat mean I'm addicted to it?. Anyway, am having a pleasant day with a long nap to make up for some lack of sleep....I liked your quote and that's one of the things i've been telling myself along with live for today and let tomorrow take care of itself, and that God won't ever give me more then I can handle.and stuff like that.....Funny about you falling off the bed. A new bed takes some getting used to, doesn't it?...I'm almost finished with my second baby blanket I'm making it for Ken's granddaughter who got caught and is pg with a baby boy. She'd been messing around with a neighbor out there in Georgia (she lives with Ken's son, her uncle) and there you are. I know she's happy as she loves babies and little kids but I'm not sure how she's gonna' manage to care for him. Ken doesn't ask too many questions. She's around 27. The father isn't interested in helping out as far as I know. That was one thing I for sure was never gonna' let happen to me. I got a tubal ligation for free after my second divorce when I was still messing around and not yet a Christian......Anyways, I already had two children.... Well, it's still in the mid 80's here and lovely. God is good. Have a great week and don't work too hard

[Luna]

*Luna peeks her head in, looks left, looks right, then looks left again and slips in the door *
Did you call, Mesdames? What may I do for you today?

[Zooie]

Lol, Luna, that was a quick visit! But glad to know you're doing well.

Hi Spirit,
I'm so tired but thought I'd post a bit. I'm glad you got on a steady dose so you won't have to seesaw back and forth with anxiety.

Addiction? I don't really know how to explain it. I am addicted to gambling, and guess it's an addiction to alcohol too. It's sorta like a craving that you can't stop once it starts. After that first drink, just couldn't put it down 'til I was drunk or passed out, or gambled until I dropped or ran out of money. Guess it's the same with drugs, but I never had a craving for drugs, never tried much of anything but marijuana.

So guess that's why I'm ok with valium. But like I said, the docs really don't like to prescribe benzos (ativan, valium, xanax, klonopin, etc.) 'cause people just want more and more. Probably something to do with the "pleasure center" of the brain. That's what they say happens with meth, or crack. Only takes one time, then you're "hooked". Don't know where cigarettes would fit in all this either. But don't worry Lois, I have confidence you'll only take what you need to help the anxiety.

Well, the Lord was watching out after me as far as all this overtime Lois. When I went today to have my car liquids topped off (I have slow oil and transmission fluid leaks, and they let me come in between oil changes to top them off for free), he said one of my brake cylinders was kaput. Will be around $70, so will go in the a.m. to have that done. He'll let me pay when I get paid. So there ya go, watched over again.

Also, I emailed the guy that does our paychecks to see about 4th of July, that's a regular weekend work day for me and he wrote back that nobody ever had had a weekend holiday (we get paid more on weekends) so he didn't know which time and a half would apply! lol

I'm sorry to hear about Ken's granddaughter, but isn't she the one that came with y'all last October? She seems mature. I'm sure it will be fine Lois.

I'm sure glad it's nice weather there. It's been gruelling here, heat indexes up around 100 or more. I'm very tired of it. I had some bad hypomania but am now just plain exhausted from it. Oh well.

Oh, one more thing. My computer's been getting slower and slower so I finally called Hewlett Packard today. Got a foreign guy I cound't understand and thought "oh no", but that man took over my computer (it's so funny to watch the cursor move "by itself" and do all this stuff) and it hums along like a new one now! But so glad I did it while still in warranty, don't know what I'll do when it's not, but hope it stays this way.

Oops, lied. One MORE thing. Luna posted where she is now so this isn't a secret. I went there and she has her art posted. Lois, it's absolutely beautiful. I was really moved by it, as far as being bipolar and seeing how she expresses herself in her art. It's amazing.

Well, take care penpal, talk to you again soon. Have a nice week, say hi to Ken.

[Spirit]

Hi Zooie and whoever else is reading this. The ativan continues to work OK. Dont' seem to want more, altho there are times when some anxiety sneaks through, those times pass.....You were right about that granddaughter, the one you met is the one who is pregnant. She has to move out from her Uncles house and doesn't want to move in with her mom and dad's house back here in CA. Evidently Georgia doesn't grant disability to women who need to take 2 months off work right after the baby is born like CA does and she would be better off financially to move back to CA but she doesn't want to. Don't know what she'll do and she doesn't have many more months to make up her mind.. I personally can't see her keeping the baby as it doesn't seem feasible but I'm not her....Zooie, I also had that experience of my compputer being taken over when I was under warranty with Del. I thought that was fun. Now to have anything done by Del to fix mine costs from $50 to $100 up front. My only complaint about my computer is that it's very slow and can't take in the updates. My dauaghter will fix that last problem the next time she's here. I forgot to ask her the last time.....I just got back from her house. I went over there yesterday to see the boys. We went to the beach and enjoyed the sand and the sea although the sun wasn't out and it was a bit cool. The boys go out on boogie boards, they're a little young for those larger surf boards......By the way, what is hypomania. Is it anything like being manic?...I'm glad you're getting along well and handling things that come your way. I admire that. Don't work too hard on the holiday. We can watch fireworks from our house that come from the local Indian Casino.

[Zooie]

Hi Lois,
Sorry I haven't answered you but I'm still having a rough time of it with this heat and financial crap. But it's amazing, i've been praying and I've gotten lots of overtime, 8-1/2 hours today! And Sunday paid time and a half 'cause of being a holiday. I know the Lord is helping me, but I'm so angry about taxes, car repairs, got that hospital bill. I'm just worn out. I know I need to turn it over, like I always tell you, lol, but it's hard to do, right?

Today when I got home I threw up from the heat. It was so hot in my car today, 2 clients, errands, and a long way home. Glad no mail today, don't want any more bad news. Tomorrow morning get car fixed first thing. Maybe I can just stay home until Thurs. and stay cool and hybernate.

I'm so glad your ativan is working. A steady dose seems to be doing the trick.

Mania/Hypomania: "Mania is one of the emotional extremes associated with bipolar disorder (manic depression). Hypomania presents many of the same symptoms, but to a lesser degree."

Mania is usually associated with BP I, hypomania with BP II and Cyclothymia (think that's the word, and how they categorize it).

Well, going to take a nap before bedtime. Will write more and comment more on your posts when satan stops making my life hell.