Lost Strength

[Native Arizona]

I wrote this to explain how differently my husband and I handle stress. He doesn't understand my crying all the time but then again, he's never been depressed in his entire life. He's more the "glass is half full" while I'm the one freaking out and wondering why the glass isn't full and where did the liquid go.

Lost Strength

What a disappointment to you I must be these days
Between the never ending sadness and pit of despair
Trying to hide my emotions, I am choking back tears
Fearing your wrath because I cannot be strong

You ask what am I so stressed about and not to worry
It figures that neither of us see eye to eye through the turmoil
I am physically unable to keep my emotions in check
Fearing your wrath because I cannot be strong

We are losing everything; I want to scream loudly and clear
I don’t think you will ever understand the depth of my pain
So I go on struggling to function as a wife and a mother
Fearing your wrath because I cannot be strong

Usually I’m well-known for being strong-minded, strong-willed
But circumstances beyond my control have weakened me
As I continue to hide my tear under the darkness of night
Fearing your wrath because I cannot be strong

[Spirit]

Dear NA, I really feel for you. Please do not take the whole load on yourself. Also, I don't think that your husband can be really angry with you. It's nobodies fault, really.

[Native Arizona]

It's not that he gets that angry - it is that he just doesn't understand what I'm going through. He just doesn't get it! He tells me not to worry because it is only material things but he doesn't get the fact that losing one vehicle already (repossessed Saturday), the final vehicle could be taken any day now (which means I lose my job as there are no buses from my home to my work), and losing our home IS, IS, IS, a big deal. Not worry my ass! All this worry is killing me! Did I mention that he just doesn't get it?

[Spirit]

Hi NA, I think he "gets it" but maybe it's his way of dealing with it and trying to comfort you. You know opposits attract. sometimes I get frustrated with my husband because our minds work in the opposit direction all the time but there it is. I want his understanding which means I want him to see things my way. Will it just doesn't work that way around here. ....Still praying for you....Lois

[Native Arizona]

You are probably right. I want him to feel exactly as I have been feeling. I want him to worry in the same fashion that I worry. I want the stress to make him as sick as it is making me and until that happens, I don't feel that he "gets it." Sigh...

[Spirit]

DEar NA, In a situation like yours and feeling like you do, I sometimes call a girlfriend or get together with one and yak yak with her about such things. Other women usually "get" me and that usually helps take the pressure off. I don't know if your husband is wired in the way you want him to be. You know that there are at least 4 different types of people out there. And like I said. Opposits attract....

[Native Arizona]

Unfortunately my only girl friend passed away a couple of years ago and there really aren't many women folk in my family that I can truly trust with all this baggage. Guess that is why I write.

[Spirit]

Well, NA, Happy and Better New Year to you. Keep on writing, then. I love to read your posts.

[Zooie]

You know NA, I have many many times over my life wondered what it is about us women that make us feel things so much more intensely than men (sorry Muddler). And that hole we dig for ourselves when we think it's somehow our fault and we try to stay strong and carry the burden for both ourselves and male significant others. It sucks.

I remember several critical moments in my life that a shoulder to lean on would have made all the difference in the world, but noooo, men seem to think it's silly to cry, or hurt, or need that shoulder. Why can't they all be Alan Alda?!

Anyway, can't change the inevitable, but you've got us gals here NA, who are behind you 110%. So cry away, come here and vent. ---> offering shoulder to lean on via pendyland. Still saying prayers for you.

[Native Arizona]

Z- I agree with what you said. Somehow it is wrong in many men's eyes for us to deeply feel our emotions. Hell, we don't have to be bp for that either and somehow we are made out to be the bad guy. Thanks for your shoulder as well as the shoulders of others here. At least I feel relatively safe posting here though I do hold back some as it can be so negative at times - that's what the journal is for.