? Spirituality !

[Spirit]

Hi, Unfortunately, sometimes what we want is not always what's best for us. It helps to trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all ways acknowledge him and He will make your path straight.

[NiGhTmArIsH1]

After the events of the last two weeks, I cannot trust in any one entity, be it divine or mortal. That gaping hole in me kind of sucks all the good will and trust out of me, and I don't know what to believe or even how to act. If I could just get rid of the anxiety, and the nagging fear and doubt that I was responsible for all of this and I'll never get another crack at making up for my mistakes....things would be better. I'm left wondering where I went wrong, and what I did to cause the divine spirits to put me on this path of pain and self-doubt. Everyone around me tells me it's not my fault; that I'm smart and talented and pretty and I can do better and I have my future ahead of me, but if that's true why were all my gifts for naught when it came to the love of my life? I want a puppy to help focus on something living outside of my apartment, but I'm not sure that would be fair to the dog. After all, I couldn't even keep my husband happy; to have a third spirit dependent on me and be unsure if I can do everything in the best interest of it would be a great disservice.

[Spirit]

Dear N, Of course a puppy would be wonderful for you. They are easy to take care of and love the hand that feeds it. Also would get you out of doors and keep you from being real lonesome. They also like to play. A big old sock with a knot in the middle is a fun plaything and tug-of-war is a fun game as is catch. I'm sure you're up to it. How about going to the nearest pound and checking out a few dogs? I know you are capable of taking care of and loving a dog. Go for it!

[Muddler]

I've been afflicted by a peculiar, funky depression over the past few days. I have no idea where it's come from but it's not good. It's pretty immobilising - I have no energy to do anything. As usual, it's a confidence buster. How the heck does one hold down a responsible job (I'm in the market) when debilitated like this? What really gets me is how it came out of nowhere - Sunday I was good (chirpy even); from Monday to Wednesday dragging my ass. The realisation that BP calls the shots in my life more than I do - no matter what I do - creeps up like a dark cloud. Acceptance is one thing, but I'm never sure what I must accept - the highs (most of which are pretty much normal for most people) & lows come unbidden. Do I pitch my commitments at the lows & then do what I can when I hit the highs? Or do I pitch myself at the highs & then face failure? I guess that's the BP dilemma. Or one of them. Anyway, I dragged myself off to gym today to try to clear the funk. It didn't work but I do feel better for going. Who knows - tomorrow I may perk up.

[Zooie]

Mornin' Muddler,
Was sorry to hear you're in a blue funk. Yes, it's awful that BP can control us so much, I try not to think about that too much 'cause it makes "me" feel lost and unable to make choices, get things done, etc.

Yesterday I got extra hours from work and was so grateful, said a thank you prayer, etc. (I'd lost time over the holidays and had "let go and let God" to get more hours.) But they called again this morning for even more extra work and I declined. Boy, when God helps out, He really means it! lol But no offense to my higher power, I just wanted to stay home, curled up...not depressed, just wanted to hide away per usual. How strange this illness is.

I really admire you for getting to the spa. I actually have a lifetime membership to Bally. The catch? No Bally near here. But am so glad you're able to keep that up. It seems to really help you.

Anyway, I hope Muddler's world is good today.

[NiGhTmArIsH1]

Muddler, you're my hero! I have a hard time exercising period (thanks to the extra 50lbs from the meds), and to hear that you have the fortitude to make yourself go to the gym even when you're feeling blue gives me hope. Yes, the BP may rule all our lives no matter how determined we are to meet it head on, but remember that in every kingdom, there are revolutionaries and dissidents that throw the ruling class curveballs. Throw the BP the curveball! Do what you can, when you can, and go to sleep at night knowing that it may not have been a perfect attempt, but you did what you could with what you have and that's all you can do. High or low, it makes no difference except in the magnitude of effort. I'm starting to believe the BP is less of a curse and more of a blessing - it forces me to do things I wouldn't normally do, for good, bad, or worse and provides ample learning experiences along the way. It makes me achieve whenever I can. We all have extraordinary inner strength from being tried day in and day out by this illness; that's something everyone else may not get in their lifetimes. I'm also starting to think that my hubby blaming my BP for leaving was a blessing in disguise. The relationship hadn't been healthy for a while and I guess I just didn't want to see it. Kudos to the BP for forcing the decision! Good riddance to the baggage. I'm sure my emotions will have shifted again by this time tomorrow, but right now I'm looking forward to being single in two weeks!

[Spirit]

Wow, N, it seems like you are seeing the positive side of your break up with your husband. I'm so happy for you. It seems to me that someone "up there" loves you.

[NiGhTmArIsH1]

Don't congratulate me yet. Breakdown lane for me again. He wants me to call him when I get out of work in the morning "we need to talk a bit". I refused. Now I feel like a heel. WTF.

[Spirit]

Well, N, I guess there will be ups and downs for awhile, until things are settled between the two of you. I just think that as long as you know where you stand, then you can hold your own and will be able to make firm decisions when things come up along the way. Of course I also think a prayer or two would help such as asking God for strength and clarity. I'm still praying for you.....

[NiGhTmArIsH1]

Well, as long as one of us believes, the prayer should hold! I think I'm going to need all the help I can get. He called today, told me not to ship his stuff to his parents' house in NY....Oooooooops. He wants to come home. Because he's getting his options in line before making his decision. Oh, and he misses the cats.....Yank me by the heartstrings why dontcha! I'm so angry, that he could hurt me so badly and want to walk back into my life. I want him, bad, but now I'm not so sure he should be here with me.

[Spirit]

Hi N, If I say anything now, I would be repeating myself. Keep us posted.

[NiGhTmArIsH1]

Well, someone upstairs is having a hell of a laugh at my expense. The other half can't decide if he wants to come home or not. But he's willing to attempt to rebuild what we had when we first met by daily phonecalls. Um. Okay. What happens after the phonecalls are over? Is he still being a jacka**? Can I trust a word he says while he's waiting for some government agency to call and fix his financial woes? Or will it all be superficial talk of the weather and nothing get resolved?

I just don't know which way is up right now, and I'm on my knees and praying so hard that something finally breaks one way or another. It's going to hurt me badly either way, I just need to know how much I can take and how long it's going to take me to get to a place where I'm at peace with my decisions and his. Thank the Gods and Goddesses for the support of my parents, the support of my docs, the support from everyone on this website, the caring words of the new acquaintances at my BP support group, and the medications that take some of the sting out of day to day life. May their healing hands and words be a balm to my broken and empty mind and body, that I may one day be whole and look back on this with pride instead of pain. And I direct their light and care to all of you on this forum; I think we all could use a little assistance now and again regardless of where it comes from.

[Muddler]

N, I strongly suggest that, if yoy do decide to get together again & give the relationship another chance, that you & your husband see a relationship counsellor. Having been through a separation & reconciliation myself - I can assure you that you will go right back into the same old patterns unless you change something. It needs to be a condition for his coming back. One needs new rules for the game. Reconciliation is as truamatic as separation.

My 2c...

[Spirit]

Dear N, I second Muddler's motion.

[NiGhTmArIsH1]

Yeah. I want to go to a counselor of some kind too. He refuses so far to sit down with me and try to work things out with a counselor of any type. Says it won't help to talk about it and he doesn't want to air our dirty laundry in front of a stranger. Honestly, at this point, I'd like him to admit he has issues and get himself some help. He was prescribed Prozac about a year ago, and stopped taking it after three weeks. It made all the difference in the world, he was his shiny self again and our relationship was getting closer when he quit. I brought it up on the phone yesterday morning and he tried the whole "I don't have any medical insurance" crapola. He's still covered under mine so that's BS. Yet another step backwards.