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Home: Writings: Essays & Rants: Grandmother

Letter from my grandmother

Oct. 21, 1921
North Carolina

Dear Mother and Father,

Hope you returned home safe from the association. We reached home o.k. I have studied a lot about what you and mama said to me. Wonder who could have told they were looking for me at ----. Hope I haven't said or done anything to deceive those good people. For at times I fear I am deceived and feel like my feelings has all been of the flesh and that my sickness caused to feel like I have, Being low down in health.

Ever since mama was down here I have had a heavy burden on me. Would study so hard at times it look like I would lose mind. Would try to throw it off but couldn't. I couldn't tell where I was sick enough to have a doctor or not. Yet I craved to go to see him but didn't want anyone to know when I went, but knew E--- would have to carry me. One day he asked me to go. I said "alright". I trembled with fear & felt like if I left home I would die before I could get back. I ask the Lord to be with me and I believe he was for I went and got along alright and felt relieved of some of my troubles. I would have a great desire to tak to him before I would go, but when I got there could only say, "Some days I feel very well and some I don't," or would tell him where I hurt. Do you think it my duty to go and talk to him? I don't want to burden anyone with troubles and hope this will not burden any of you. All summer I have felt cast down, throwed away. No one cared for me and that I didn't have a friend anywhere. I would think going to see my neigbors but I didn't feel like they wanted to see me. Went to see L--- on morning. She said to me, "What is the matter with you? Why do you look so sad?" I bursted out crying and said, "I don't have a friend. No one cares for me." She says, "I think a lot of you," I felt a little relieved. Felt like if someone would sit down and talk encouraging to me, I would feel better. Most of the time I didn't feel fit to be in company. My sins were so great before me. I was afraid to speak or do anything. Afraid it wouldn't ...[bottom three lines of page torn away in original]...be right. I had a great desire to live right and everthing I did seemed to be wrong. I got to where I didn't know what to do. Would get worried & say things I would hate. I got where I thought I was going to die. When that feeling came over me I could do nothing but cry. The thought of dying and leaving my children was almost more than I could bear. When I wasn't crying I was choked and couldn't cry, grieving myself to death. I craved to hear preaching. Went to ----- and not one word could I hear and found no relief. The next Saturday went to ------. Mr. B----'s text was (Yea for thy sake we are killed all the day long.) That seem to hit me. I hadn't thought of it in that way but knew I had been killed in my feelings when he spoke those words.

Have heard of people feasting on a sermon but didn't know the pleasure of it. I have feasted on that one till now. Didn't care about going the next day. I was full.

You ask me that week I stayed up there to tell my experience. I felt like I didn't have any I wanted to be alone. Didn't want to talk. Felt like a burden to you all. The most pleasure I saw was the few moments we spent chopping corn or when I was reading the landmark. Sure have enjoyed reading them. I would think to myself, I will talk to papa. When I got where you were, not one word did I have to say. It seemed you have wanted to be with me more the last few times I was up there. I had no thought of crying when I went with mama to the buggy. Was going to leave you looking cheerful. When you and mama said what you did I could do nothing but cry. E---- asked me what was the matter. I told him nothing. I went back and heard a littel more preaching. Now you can be judge of what I have written as to whether I have felt like this because I was sick or what caused it. Mr. B---- said, "Sometimes afflictions are put on us to bring us down." Mama said, "the same last Sunday." I felt to be the least among the crowd. Sometimes I feel a little lifted up, but have been more in the valley since June than anywhere else. If I was with you tonight, guess I could say more. I will stop where I am but for fear some one being deceived you can this and lay it aside if you think best. I want to do right as far as I know.

Have been thinking of writing you all the week. Now I have made the attempt. There is a fear on me now. J---'s boy has diptheria. Was taken bad off Thursday night. My children were with him that day. He is very bad off today. I am hoping my children will escape having it. Though we cannot help what is put on us. I desire your prayers for us. Write and come when you can.

Your loving daughter,


Modified June 26, 2006

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