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Grandmother
Letter from my grandmother
Oct. 21, 1921
North Carolina Dear Mother and Father,
Hope you returned home safe from the association. We
reached home o.k. I have studied a lot about what you and
mama said to me. Wonder who could have told they were
looking for me at ----. Hope I haven't said or done
anything to deceive those good people. For at times I
fear I am deceived and feel like my feelings has all been
of the flesh and that my sickness caused to feel like I
have, Being low down in health.
Ever since mama was down here I have had a heavy
burden on me. Would study so hard at times it look like I
would lose mind. Would try to throw it off but couldn't.
I couldn't tell where I was sick enough to have a doctor
or not. Yet I craved to go to see him but didn't want
anyone to know when I went, but knew E--- would have to
carry me. One day he asked me to go. I said
"alright". I trembled with fear & felt like
if I left home I would die before I could get back. I ask
the Lord to be with me and I believe he was for I went
and got along alright and felt relieved of some of my
troubles. I would have a great desire to tak to him
before I would go, but when I got there could only say,
"Some days I feel very well and some I don't,"
or would tell him where I hurt. Do you think it my duty
to go and talk to him? I don't want to burden anyone with
troubles and hope this will not burden any of you. All
summer I have felt cast down, throwed away. No one cared
for me and that I didn't have a friend anywhere. I would
think going to see my neigbors but I didn't feel like
they wanted to see me. Went to see L--- on morning. She
said to me, "What is the matter with you? Why do you
look so sad?" I bursted out crying and said, "I
don't have a friend. No one cares for me." She says,
"I think a lot of you," I felt a little
relieved. Felt like if someone would sit down and talk
encouraging to me, I would feel better. Most of the time
I didn't feel fit to be in company. My sins were so great
before me. I was afraid to speak or do anything. Afraid
it wouldn't ...[bottom three lines of page torn away in
original]...be right. I had a great desire to live right
and everthing I did seemed to be wrong. I got to where I
didn't know what to do. Would get worried & say
things I would hate. I got where I thought I was going to
die. When that feeling came over me I could do nothing
but cry. The thought of dying and leaving my children was
almost more than I could bear. When I wasn't crying I was
choked and couldn't cry, grieving myself to death. I
craved to hear preaching. Went to ----- and not one word
could I hear and found no relief. The next Saturday went
to ------. Mr. B----'s text was (Yea for thy sake we are
killed all the day long.) That seem to hit me. I hadn't
thought of it in that way but knew I had been killed in
my feelings when he spoke those words.
Have heard of people feasting on a sermon but didn't
know the pleasure of it. I have feasted on that one till
now. Didn't care about going the next day. I was full.
You ask me that week I stayed up there to tell my
experience. I felt like I didn't have any I wanted to be
alone. Didn't want to talk. Felt like a burden to you
all. The most pleasure I saw was the few moments we spent
chopping corn or when I was reading the landmark. Sure
have enjoyed reading them. I would think to myself, I
will talk to papa. When I got where you were, not one
word did I have to say. It seemed you have wanted to be
with me more the last few times I was up there. I had no
thought of crying when I went with mama to the buggy. Was
going to leave you looking cheerful. When you and mama
said what you did I could do nothing but cry. E---- asked
me what was the matter. I told him nothing. I went back
and heard a littel more preaching. Now you can be judge
of what I have written as to whether I have felt like
this because I was sick or what caused it. Mr. B----
said, "Sometimes afflictions are put on us to bring
us down." Mama said, "the same last
Sunday." I felt to be the least among the crowd.
Sometimes I feel a little lifted up, but have been more
in the valley since June than anywhere else. If I was
with you tonight, guess I could say more. I will stop
where I am but for fear some one being deceived you can
this and lay it aside if you think best. I want to do
right as far as I know.
Have been thinking of writing you all the week. Now I
have made the attempt. There is a fear on me now. J---'s
boy has diptheria. Was taken bad off Thursday night. My
children were with him that day. He is very bad off
today. I am hoping my children will escape having it.
Though we cannot help what is put on us. I desire your
prayers for us. Write and come when you can.
Your loving daughter,
D----
Modified June 26, 2006
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